


Holo Log

by Synthetic_Auras (BetterThanObi)



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 18:40:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18970819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BetterThanObi/pseuds/Synthetic_Auras
Summary: Is it working? I haven’t done this since like… 5th grade. Oh- it’s working! Yes? No… wait, solid light means its recording, right? Yes, alright- cool. Cool cool cool… cool. Now the easy part is over, heh, where the hell do I start? I used to do these, I guess holo diaries? I dunno, I used to do them when I was little. Helped me think, work stuff out. I always figured stuff out better when I could visualize it, or when I talked out loud. I haven’t felt the need to do one of these in years, but… I think its what I need right now.A series of Holo Logs from Elliott Witt during a suspension from the Apex Games





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Okay so real quick, this is a series from my rp account on tumblr all told from Elliott's perspective. It's my own personal interpretation of Mirage/Elliott Witt from Apex Legends, please be mindful of the tags, this isn't going to be all rainbows and stardust!

**[ Data Found: Archive: User… ]  
[ User: Elliott Luís Henrique Antônio Witt: Access Granted ]  
[ Recording… ]**

Is it working? I haven’t done this since like… 5th grade. Oh- it’s working! Yes? No… wait, solid light means its recording, right? Yes, alright- cool. Cool cool cool… cool. Now the easy part is over, heh, where the hell do I start? I used to do these, I guess holo diaries? I dunno, I used to do them when I was little. Helped me think, work stuff out. I always figured stuff out better when I could visualize it, or when I talked out loud. I haven’t felt the need to do one of these in years, but… I think its what I need right now. 

It’s sad really, I did therapy and all that when I was little. But actual trauma happens and I never once thought about going back. And well, here we are. One poor choice after another. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all too much, if I’m too much. I mean you’re a machine, but like do you ever just wanna go back in time and just change one thing. One choice, something you said or did that could alter everything else. God, there are so many chances I could have taken and I wouldn’t be here doing this. Whoever that asshole was that said money can’t buy you happiness? Yeah, screw that guy, just fuck him. Cuz guess what; I don’t have money and I don’t have happiness. Fuck you. 

You know how lonely it feels? To be surrounded all the time, but nobody is really there? Like I thought the fortune and fame would do something, make me feel something- but it really hasn’t. “But Mirage! The fans love you!” Exactly, they love Mirage. They don’t care about Elliott. 50 million fucking fans, my ass… how could they all be wrong? They’re not, they’re all a bunch of fucking morons. “Be grateful for what you have!”  Oh please, do tell me what I have? Depression, anxiety, PTSD, fuckin’ insanity… You hear the same thing enough and you just get tired of it. But so long as I’m shooting someone or getting my brains blown out, they’re happy. I was always told, by my mom, my brothers, my therapist, “Elliott, what you put out into the world you’ll get back.” So I tried. I fucking tried to put good out there, I tried to be nice to everyone, I forgave people, I was there for people… and you know what I got? What I fucking got back, after putting all of me out there. I got broken and a goddamn heroin addiction. So fuck that karma too. 

But I’m suspended from Apex right now, so doesn’t really matter. And that’s why this is happening. So maybe it does. I dunno. 

I just want to know what’s wrong with me. Why’d I end up like this and not like my brothers? They all had something going for them, my mom loved us all equally, we were all given the same opportunities… how did I fuck it up this bad? 

Speaking of momma Witt; god she’d beat my ass to save me from the ass beating. She’s given up, I can tell. She doesn’t say anything anymore, but I think reality has sunk in that I’m 30 and still making the same bad choices I made when I was 20. Time doesn’t cure stupid, and kiddo stupid is my life. Anyways, I dated this guy for a while, and every time I would try to sneak home and I was covered in cuts and bruises. For the whole like 6 months, I dated him I had a permanent black eye. My mom always said I deserved better, and I finally did it. I broke up with him, moved on, and a few months later… with another asshole same story. 

Maybe that’s destiny. Maybe I should have just done porn. Like people seem to like watching me take it to the face… and that sex tape has gotten some pretty good views. Maybe I could career change? 30 is still young right?

**[ …Stop ]**


	2. Chapter 2

**** [ Data Found: Archive: User… ]  
[ User: Elliott Luís Henrique Antônio Witt: Access Granted ]  
[ Recording… ]

** [ Audio Disruption: Adjusting For Interference: Bass: Echo ]  **

 

Okay, so this is gonna be a thing. Cause, well it’s nice to just talk. And I’m going insane watching the game. Anyways, apologies to my future self, bathroom ain’t necessarily acoustic friendly. Since I have nothing better to do- talk shit and spill the tea. I’ll probably listen to back to this in a few months and regret, but it’s not like anyone else is gonna watch this?

So madre is out, music is blasting, I have a knife! …Because sometimes you just wanna cut off all yer hair with a knife, even though you have actual like hairdresser scissors… It’ll grow back.

That’s not what this is about though! Nope, today we are talking about people, and unlike the first one, I actually made like a list of shit I wanna talk about until this suspension is over. Speaking of was given an altim-altum… ultimatum to get back into the game earlier, but~ not about that life. SO serving it all out. Anyways, I am a mess and can’t keep this train on the tracks, so just gonna hop into it. This holo log today is brought to me, by Caustic, the fucking motherfucker. Why Caustic? Because again, for the third time this month I woke up coughing up blood and needing to sit on oxygen for most of my morning.

Honestly, I can’t say I hate the man. Okay, that’s not really true, because I do hate him, but… Alright, like, Caustic is something else within the ranks. I noticed going up that the closer you got to Legend status the less and less people seemed honest and genuine with why they were there. Our friend, Caustic, over here ain’t like that. He has made it blatantly obvious he just likes to kill people, and part of me has to respect that. As much as I hate it, gotta respect it. Cause its one of those things, ya know? You can lie about a lot of things but once you get to Legend, like if you’re not in it for fame and money- you’re in it for the killing. Stop lying.

Anyways, ah, train of thought… Right, so like, I was late to the party. I wasn’t part of the original goers for Apex, hell I didn’t even hear of the game until like several seasons in. But when I joined I watched vods, I read up, did my research. This is why Caustic’s stats in the game really piss me the hell off. Those fucking gas traps, alright. This man ruins rookies in Legend because up until then, they haven’t had to worry about that shit. No, see, he’s smart, he knows his shit, knows the map. I can’t be like, oh they’re just dumb. Cause, bitch, I was one of them, alright? I knew about the traps, everyone, and their great aunt knows about the traps. You feel? But that shit went off and I fucking inhaled. Its shock, instinct. That crap goes off and you suck in a breath and before you know it you’re on the fucking ground.

That was then, now, well this most recent trip to collapsed lung hell was just pain start to finish. I got, got. I’ll accept and admit to that, Caustic had gotten me gassed out of hiding, got me cornered and went in for the finisher. It sucks, it hurts, but that’s the game. The problem is, that fucker didn’t kill me. He got spooked at the end of it, and that last blow- yeah, no, it didn’t do the job. Mean it did… but not on impact. So he’s off fighting some other team and I’m down there choking in a puddle of my own blood. If that wasn’t bad enough, guess what, gas traps. Still going. I’m at that line of life and death, I can’t move, I can barely breathe, my body is slowly giving in. But I’m still breathing that shit in, still suffocating and it only made the process that much worse. Now, I don’t know if he did it on purpose, cause it seems like something he would do, but got interrupted… but it has been fucking with me since. Now I have a cough that won’t go away, and I swear I’m gonna need a lung transplant at this point.  

And that’s that, fuck that guy. Only it’s not, and I wish it was.

I think I’m a basic bitch, ya know? Just want a guy to choke me, and fuck me up against a wall. Like I don’t think that’s a very tall order. The thing is, I go 0 to 100 on men like the dumb fucking idiot I am.

First time I met Caustic was like my second match up with the Legends. I never actually saw him in game, but he sat across from me on the jumpship, and lemme tell you- that man is terrifying to sit across from in low light. I knew who he was and everything but I was still fuckin’ new and taking it all in. Was finally in making bank part of Apex, and that whole ride to Kings Canon, I was fucking scared for my life. I couldn’t even tell if he staring at me, or through me… I was told I reeked of rookie, so maybe that was it? I dunno, I stared at the floor for most of that trip until we jumped.

Now I didn’t actually have my first run-in with him until a couple of games later. And that’s when the whole I inhaled bullshit happened. Anyways, I have an issue, and its something I hate confessing. So you know how there’s like this subcategory of movies that is just disturbing? Like that’s the whole point of the movie is to be disturbing? They’re movies that focus on cultural taboos and shit, its stuff that is supposed to make you uncomfortable. Stuff that makes you legit cringe and I’m not just talking like gore fests, though there are a lot of those… Anyways, I like those kinda movies, kinda shit I watch hidden away in my room, shit that you’d rather switch to a bukkake party with ya dick in yer hand when someone comes in cause it’d be easier to explain.

What does this all mean? My dumbass brain could take something horrible that happened to me and want it to happen again, but worse. I don’t know the, like, science on why this is a thing. But it is, and I have it. So what does this have to do with Caustic? Well, like I said the first time I met the dude I inhaled that gas crap and I hit the floor faster than I knew what the fuck was happening. I was trying to get out of it, coughing and hacking up a lung, I couldn’t see, I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t fucking realize I crawled right to this motherfucker, and I dunno if I set off something in him either cuz, heh, boyo was I mess. Talking tears running down my face, on my knees, spit down my chin… like it wasn’t pretty, least on my end. So there I am, on the ground trying to beg for my life still fucking coughing, and Caustic just grabs me.

Okay, this dude he’s big. I mean, I’m not like… I’m like average height wise, but this dude is well over 6ft, and it fucking shows. Cause my poor breaking self just got hefted up by my neck like I was an empty backpack, okay? So now I’m panicking, I’m clawing at his arm, trying to throw out kicks, still can’t breathe, and this fucker; you wanna know what he does? He holds me there for a minute and then drops me. Get that slight shimmer of hope that he’s going after someone else. That I have a chance. No, he dropped me so I was cornered, and throws down another gas trap. SO, guess who suffocated to death? Me bitch and he fucking stood there and watched.

Now, a normal person would be like “heh, fuck that guy.” Which, yeah at the beginning I was. You can’t be really mad that you got killed, cause that’s literally the game, but its the way he did it. Like I said though, I have an issue because once I got home and I’m all curled up in my bed watching the air filter screen flash, my dumbass brain is just “we could jerk off to this. You’re horny now cause of this.” And I’m just? Brain? Please?

There are people who are into BDSM and shit, mean I am too, but that’s all consensual, its talked about and agreed on. There’s this fucked up part of me that in the aftermath is just “you liked it” and I don’t know what to do with that. Because when it’s happening, I’m not faking it, I’m scared, I’m in pain, I want it to stop. Then when I’m home and safe and I’ve scrubbed myself fucking raw, it’s just I want it to happen again, but more. I haven’t had these kinda feelings in a long time and having them directed at someone I see nearly regularly in the ring… Sometimes I don’t know if I’m throwing just to get that bit more.

I dunno, Imma spare myself the details, cause, like, I know what I do when the lights are off. But that’s just it, I don’t know what to think about him. There’s this pit in my stomach of just dread and hatred when I see him, yet he’s been the subject of many fantasies now. Anyways, I’m sitting sideways in the bathtub now and my leg is going numb. I need to sweep cause there is hair everywhere, I don’t think this actually came out bad, it’s not even and my mom is gonna throw a fit when she sees it, but heh. I didn’t shave it all off at least.

**[ …Stop ]**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, this isn't a typical kinda fic story and I appreciate anyone willing to give it a chance on this journey! I am working on a couple of actual fics that I hope to have coming up soon.


End file.
